Everything DOES NOT Happen For a Reason

For a long time I was one of those people who walk around saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” I really believed it too! My brother moved all the way to Montana for graduate school and came home three years later with his future wife on his arm. They had met there. That was the reason he left; to find Wendy. My own husband decided to pack up and go live with Dad and Step-Mom for his senior year of high school. It made no sense to anyone but if he hadn’t, we would not have met; that was the reason. Then I experienced something that made me cringe.


When I was 8 months pregnant with Clay, I went to stay at my parents’ house for a few days and look after the animals while they went to visit my brother’s family. Now, really I was too big to DO anything but I supervised. It didn’t make much sense for me to be there, in all honesty. Since Jayme’s Dad lived in the same town, I went over on Monday to visit and so they could see Raley and I told them about Clay and the events in our lives. We weren’t on the best of terms, but we were all trying. That Thursday I got a call from Jayme. He had just received word that his Dad was in a bad car accident and might not make it so he was on his way there. A little while later he called to tell me his Dad had died.

When we went to the house later it was a little scary. Like I said, we had not been on the best of terms. I was afraid we would be seen as outsiders and usurpers of their grief. Jayme’s Step-Mom made it crystal clear that we were not only welcome but wanted and loved and the past was buried with Jayme’s Dad. In the ensuing months we became very close and during Jayme’s Iraq deployment Linda was a huge comfort and support to me and the boys.

As I looked for a reason for this untimely death that had left so many unsaid words and unasked questions, the only thing I could think of was, “It happened so we could all be close again. So we could have a family.” It was horrifying to me. I knew that our newfound relationship would not be the same if he hadn’t died but I just couldn’t fathom that was a good reason to leave a woman without her husband and 5 kids without their Dad. It was then that I began to question that “Everything happens for a reason”.

Last year cemented it for me. When Pattie was so sick, and then we heard our neighbors had lost their daughter. I defy ANYONE to tell those sweet people that their daughter died FOR A REASON. That their lives were forever changed FOR A REASON. That the palpable pain on their faces had A REASON.

It was then that I decided to never say the phrase again. Now, I try to FIND THE GOOD in a situation. When their daughter died, it brought to light an alarmingly common problem among high school athletes. She had a problem with her heart. It wasn’t ever discovered on her routine sports physicals, it can only be detected by and EKG. They were so upset that she had been out at a party without permission, but then they were told that she would have died that night even if she had been home in bed. The fact that she was out at a party ended up to be a good thing for her parents. They said that if they had discovered her dead in her room they would not have been able to deal with it.

I still have to stop myself from yelling at people who say the phrase. I just tell myself that one day they might come up against a situation that will change their perception. It’s a dark day. It’s a day that puts your faith into question and it doesn’t always come back the same. It’s a soul changing day. I kind of hope you don’t go through it.